Why Giraffes Are Not Real

The Giraffe Enigma: Friend, Foe, or Robot-Alien?

‏زرافة, ‏الزرافة الصغيرة.


This page has been a long time coming, for my lovely readers, but I think it is time to finally put to rest one of the greatest issues of our time: are giraffes real?

Point #1: Evolutionary Ingestion

At some point in their evolutionary process, giraffes, like other animals, would have reached an awkward stage in its development.  Here, we see a giraffe eating. Now, think of the trees in the plains of the African regions that giraffes inhabit. The trees, having been eaten by smaller breeds of animals, would have grown so that their leaves were high, high up, unavailable to any ground feeders, like aardvarks or moles. 
And if, supposedly, a giraffe were to evolve to eat from the very tops of the trees, they would have reached a point in their evolutionary development that would have not only been awkward, but at a space between the ground and the leaves on the trees. Their necks would have been much too short to reach the top, and too long to get anything on the ground easily. Giraffes, as a species, which they obviously are not,  would have died out long ago had this evolutionary process proceeded.

Look at that! Giraffes can't even drink water right! That is the stupidest position to collect the most abundant resource on our planet.

Point #2 - Antennae

Are you fucking kidding me? What the hell are those things? 

Why is that black thing crawling on the giraffe's face?! My God! Holy crap!

Apparently, according to many encyclopedias, these are horns. Horns are supposed to have function as a defense mechanism. If the giraffe's primary defense mechanism is to run, why in the hell would you need those stupid nubs? They can't even be sharpened!

They are most definitely antennae. There's no other explanation. It's like a cat with no whiskers, or an elephant with a horn coming out of its ass. You don't put useless shit or remove parts of an animal, idiot.

Point #3: Birthing

A giraffe calf is born following a gestation period of 14 months. The mother gives birth while standing. Researchers believe that the five or six-foot drop helps to get the calfs heart started and clear its breathing tubes. During its first few months of life, the calf is not very active, which enables it to grow more quickly. It may nurse for up to 13 months and remains with its mother for several more.
Excerpt from Brookfield Zoo page on Giraffe birthing (www.brookfieldzoo.org)

Giraffe gestation lasts between 14 and 15 months; a single calf is born. The mother gives birth standing up and the embryonic sack actually bursts when the baby falls to the ground. Newborn Giraffes are about 1.8 metres (sic) tall. Within a few hours of being born, calves can run around and are indistinguishable from a calf that may be a week old already; however, for the first two weeks, they spend most of their time lying down, guarded by the mother. While adult Giraffes are too large to be attacked by most predators, the young can fall prey to lions, leopards, hyenas, and wild dogs. Only 25 to 50 percent of Giraffe calves reach adulthood; those that do have a life expectancy of between 20 and 25 years.
Excerpt from Websters Online Dictionary Entry on Giraffes (http://www.websters-online-dictionary.org/definition/english/gi/giraffe.html)

Are you kidding me? The baby giraffe, who is in its sac, falls 6 feet out of the womb, and the sac explodes? How does that not kill the damn baby? Ever heard of post-traumatic stress syndrome? What kind of natural creation would do something this stupid?

Here is a series of diagrams I found* of a giraffe giving birth:

Look at that pain! My god, what kind of evolutionary process would have this happen?!
I don't think I need to prove this disgusting point anymore.


Meet George, the self aware giraffe. I smell bullshit.

Point #4 - Defense

Okay, other than those stupid horns for defense, how fast can a giraffe run? Well, supposedly around 30mph. 
Now, the cheetah can run up to 75mph. That means that it outruns the giraffe by a factor of two. Hyenas can run fast too. And lions are great at short distances.

Like I said, if your stupid 'horns', by which I mean alien antennae, don't kill animals, you'd better run. But if everything runs faster than you, you die. Well, it dies, I win.

Point #5 - Alien Technology

Here's a picture of a group of giraffes using regular film:

Here is a picture of a group of giraffes using a ROM/PHI Radio Filter:

As you can see, there are distinct radio waves being transmitted from the antennae/horns of the giraffes. Also, when the filter was applied to the camera and the film, the giraffes' eyes appeared in the infrared spectrum, signifying an increase in low level radiation that was not present before.

This type of optical technology is something of the like the human race has not seen since the invention of the electron microscope. More research is being done on these disturbing technological trends in a seemingly innocuous animal.

Is this some kind of alien technology, or a government cover-up project?

Now that I have proved to you that giraffes aren't real, I'd like to warn all of you that if you see a giraffe, do not panic. They are not dangerous except when encountered. Do not attempt to make eye contact with the cyborg beast, as it may use its mind control rays to attack your brain. Report your sighting of a 'giraffe' to your nearest police station or knowledgeable college student.

For more information, contact "Cocomaan" on AOL Instant Messenger, or write a letter to:

Colin Powerell
69 Giraffe Lane,
Newark DE, 19904

Appendix 1 (Edited October 25th, 2004):

It has come to my attention that I must give credit to those who inspired the fielding of this report and its subsequent findings. Mr. Kevin Lyons of the famed University of Maryland: Baltimore Campus did initial research on the subject, and provided answers to some of the sticking points. Cocomaan and Will Caverly both thank Sayid Lyons for his assistance in this endeavour, and wish him luck in his future philosophical explorations and anti-terrorist/alien actions.
Special thanks to Phil Montemuro and John Robinson for also helping this project get on its feet. And a special thanks to Villanova UNIT and Villanova W3 internet services for hosting this abombination.

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*and by found I mean stole or drew