Santa Claus Is A Big, Fat, Fuckwad
By Will Caverly
Ahhh, its December, kids. It's snowy, windy, and cold out, and Christmas is in the air once again, a celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, the savior of the Christian world.
But, that's really not as important as all the loot you get when St. Nicklaus comes, also and commonly known as "Santa".
The legend of Santa comes into existence in medieval Germany, where, during the celebration of the birth of Christ, a man known as St. Nicklaus would run around, take the virginity of the town's daughters, and put 'presents' (turds) in the shoes of little kids. This leaving of 'presents' (balls of poop) became a tradition, and soon kids began dressing like monsters and taking shits on their friend's pantaloons. This tradition became known as "Trick or Treat", and thus, Halloween and Santa were born together in a celebration of excrement and little bratty kids running around saying that they are Chuck Norris and Clay Aiken and every other obnoxious fucker that the kid can think of.
Santa then, over hundreds of years, became immortalized as some kind of Saint, dropping shit off for kids, shit that they really don't need, and thus, capitalism found a way to make a shit-load of money off of you and me once a year, of COURSE during the most traveled time of the year, namely, thanksgiving, where everyone goes everywhere like lemmings, the roads get clogged, and people die while the ozone cries and wastes away because of fluorocarbons.
Talk about fluorocarbons: Here's Santa smoking crack cocaine.
So, here's the result that we can see today: there's a great big moral prodigy by the name of "Santa Claus" who judges whether you have been good or bad, and deals out presents with his judgment according to his own semi-Christian morals, because everyone knows that Christians all shit in people's shoes.
Another Stupid Photoshop Image
So, have you been good?
What I suggest is that we take out this terrorist before we become too entangled in his moral uprising. Wait, too late.
How many idiots do you see walking around all glaze eyed screaming "I LOVE CHRISTMAS CAROLS" when they are all about love happiness and la-la land, candy canes, bunnies and shit in your shoes.
GOD I hate Christmas carols. How convoluted of a concept can you GET, for God's sake? What I'm trying to say is, why don't you have 'Christmas Cheer' all the damn time? Why just sing Christmas carols during Christmas? Sing them in March! Everybody loves them! Drive me insane already, just do it! You're already doing it with the popped collars, facebooks and Clay Aiken CDs!
GAR!
Me and my brother once invented the best Christmas song ever: the Santa Song. Ready?
SANTA!
SANTA!
SANTA!
SANTA!
SANTA!
SANTA!
SANTA!
Get the fuck out: