Movie Reviews

In this section, I will only grace reviews upon movies that truly deserve it. See these movies, or go away. Real people understand cinema when they love these movies.

SHOGUN ASSASSIN (1980)-

Shogun Assassin is the story of the "Lone Wolf", formerly the decapitator for the Shogun of his realm, he defects and refuses to pay homage to the evil and insane ruler. After ninja assassins kill his wife, he embarks with his son on a father and son journey that you will actually care about. Both Lone Wolf and Cub end up 0wning hundreds of the Shogun's hired killers, and yes, even the kid kills people. This movie fucking rocks. You cannot even keep a kill count, the violence is so prevalent. Go get this movie, or die.

ARMY OF DARKNESS (1993)

As I have already explained in a previous update, Ash returns in this movie with his hand-chainsaw to 0wn a bunch of zombies and midget monsters. You can't get any better than this kind of B-Movie bullshit.

SHAOLIN VERSUS WU TANG (1981)

A true classic, we watch two of the greatest fighting styles the world has ever seen face off in a masterpiece of cinematic editing and combat/swordplay. The best part of the movie comes at the end, where some random dude screams "YOU BASTARD" from off-screen, pointing his disembodied hand at the perpetrators for you to enjoy. You have to realize that this actor probably was waiting the entire movie to do this, and hell, you cannot cut out such effort on his part.

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY (1966)

The best western ever made, this one features Clint Eastwood as 'The Man with No Name'. If you don't realize it by now, this means that the movie is going to kick your ass. Besides the music, this movie features plenty of people getting 0wned, especially by Clint, since he is the biggest badass in the west. I plan on obtaining his poncho at some point, since its so badass. See this movie, at all costs.

VERSUS (2001)-

This is a samurai slasher movie involving nameless characters and of course, zombies. There are aliens in here too, and lots of large guns and swords. Really, you can't get any better than the opening image: a zombie being cut in half with a samurai sword in a shower of gore reminiscent of the rest of the majorly screwed up Japanese zombie ninja movies. Great, mindless fun.

The LORD OF THE RINGS Trilogy (2001-2003)-

Duh. Its got a dwarf in it, which means it fucking rocks.

THE REPLACEMENT KILLERS (1998)

Chow Yun Fat and Mira Sorvino go around 0wning tons of people in a Chinese ghetto. Its a John Woo flick, which means it has uberawesome gunfights with neat cinematography and lots of particle effects. And the Socratic relationship between the two main characters isn't a romance for once, its fuckin' real, man.

THE MATRIX Trilogy (1999-2003)

Alright, listen people. As much as you didn't like the last two Matrix movies, I did. You can't get any better than the car chase scene in the second movie, or the big anime/real-time battle in the last movie. Really, you can't. While the first was superior in many ways to its sequels, the amount of religious symbolism and simple philosophy puts it ahead of many of the movies in Hollywood these days, like The Passion, or Titanic. Give me the Matrix any day.

BLACK HAWK DOWN (2002)

The best war movie other than Saving Private Ryan, this movie excels where its predecessors did not by not getting into the "Hooray, we are America, we kill everyone... blah blah blah". Its about people sticking together, and not about countries, nationalities or any of the above. Instead, its about the US losing a battle against, no surprise here, militia irregulars who manage to pin down a US force of the most elite soldiers we have. One of the reasons this movie is powerful is the aftershocks from the foreign policy breakdown that resulted because we screwed up bad. Anyway, see this movie.

LAWRENCE OF ARABIA (1962)

Probably the best movie ever made, this movie follows the travels of T.E. Lawrence during his sojourn in the most inhospitable areas and times in human history: the Arab front of the First World War. Peter O'Toole provides a sweeping performance, but the real star is the desert. You can't get any better than this.

HERO (US Release 2004)

Another wire play kung fu flick out of China, this movie has some of the most artistic environments of any movie I have ever seen. A lot like Kurosawa's Ran, the colors during a situation represent anything from mood to flashback to setting. The movie is an artistic masterpiece, and then, all of a sudden, there's 2 people destroying an army of 3,000 elite bodyguards! Sweet!

FIGHT CLUB (1999)

Considered the Catcher in the Rye of the 1990's, Fight Club is an anti consumer and anti capitalistic movie, with messages regarding the waste associated with the dangers of depression through capitalism. Truly a life changing movie, Fight Club attempts to teach you what it really means to live and to not sit around idly and masturbate over your Ikea catalogue. 

SAW (2004)

This movie is freaky as shit. You thought you knew what was going on, stupid? Well too bad, because the crazy fucko's are going to blow your damn head off with booby trapped shotguns.

OPEN WATER (2004)

This movie is reminiscent of The Blair Witch Project, in that it was filmed in a pool, and has a budget of about 3 and a half dollars. The ending kind of makes you want to slit your wrists, so if you were thinking of doing that before you went to see this movie, you might want to reconsider. I'm not really sure if I'm recommending this or not, so let me throw a big 'bite me' out there for 'ya. The real saving grace of the movie is that there is a really, really, really hot woman in it, and she's totally butt naked 15 minutes into the movie, which is like 'accidentally' knocking someone's palate into their nice painting.

KILL BILL (2003, 2004)

What a great movie. Tarantino is freaking hilarious, and the western/samurai references are unending, and lets you gloat over the ignorant fucks that don't watch the genre who are in the same room as you. The movie is split between two parts, but they are really just one big movie, split because Hollywood is stupid.

SCARY MOVIE 3 (2003)

Vastly superior to the first two, Scary Movie 3 has a little kid getting run over by a car, hit with a baseball bat, and generally just 0wned. God, I love this movie.