College Dining Services Hit All Time Low

By Annonymous

It is a rainy, Thursday morning at Villanova University, and Robert William Caverly struggles to get out of bed and get down to the dining hall to eat. 

As he walks down the ramp of Dougherty hall and rounds the corner, he looks at the sausage and bacon that has been steaming for the past 3 hours, and turns about to eat his normal regiment of canned peaches and a stale bagel.

Now, focus your attention on a young man going to Pitt named John Robinson. Same situation. His comment, when asked was, "Like dog meat? Try the sloppy joes." In fact, its horrifying how the situation is the same all over the known world. And this situation is this: even starving people wouldn't eat college dining hall food.

All over the world, sub-par dining services are offering horrible food for outrageous prices. At some* universities, this price will outweigh the cost of dorm living.

Will Caverly had quite the experience last year, when he had to make a visit to the Heath Services building at Villanova University: "So, here's the deal. I was eating the French toast with some ladies, right? And then, I got into the van to Philadelphia, and on the way back, I threw up all over myself. I know it was the food. For the next few weeks, I'd throw up all the time. Even if I hadn't had anything to drink. It was amazingly horrible!"

When asked how he 'knew', he replied, "What else was it? Come on, don't give me that ****. They leave the damn French toast out all day. That's what I get for eating French toast for dinner. If God had wanted you to do that, he would have learned to speak Greek better so that he could have actually had it said in the Bible. Instead of just homophobic comments by Leviticus... hey, can you not quote me on that one, please?"

The number of college students that have died over the past year due to dining services' food has increased by 300%, but federal aid is not yet present, because they don't give a shit. 

Scientific tests have yielded significant results, also. Arsenic, a completely foreign and poisonous substance to the human body, makes up 1% of all food at certain campuses.

The FDA did not comment on these findings, or any questions that we fielded to them.

In conclusion, its pretty much evident that its time for some kind of control to be put on this obviously illegal and immoral practice of sub-par food services for students and faculty on University campuses all over the world.

*Universities asked to not be named specifically in this article.