Christmas Time is Here... Bitches
So, everyone, how's it hanging?
Are finals treating you well? Are you having a good 'Holiday Season'?
I thought I'd update a little in the middle of the most 'hectic' of a college student's career. In reality, it's just a lot of procrastination catching up with a bunch of lazy teenagers for two weeks, with the exception of a few majors who actually do alot of (useless/fake/dumb) work. I won't name them, except that one begins with Philo and ends in phy.
Anyway, supposedly Vanilla Ice came to a bar called "Brownies" (don't ask, sounds dumb to me too) near the University and performed. Fortunately, I wasn't present, but I'll save you all the pain of seeing Vanilla Ice in person and put some pictures up courtesy of Allison Iciek. These pictures will be used to prove a later point.
That was fun! Now that I've done that, I'll tell you more about how finals work on campus.
Finals are sort of like Vanilla Ice: dumb, outdated, and with the skill of a boulder made of granite. They are also in 10,000 words or less.
What you'll find is that most kids you know around this time will be passing out or barfing because of their lack of sleep (or public drunkenness). Personally, I think the whole situation is called 'hilarious', but to most, its called 'Hell Week'.
Now, understand, I'm a philosophy major, so I don't have the 'memorization' bullshit that everyone else seems to have, but I still have work. I was assigned a final paper for my philosophy class. I have to do it. You have to do papers to, so don't try to pull a superiority complex on me because you 'have more work' than me. YOUR work is sitting around with a business/math/engineering book and memorizing a bunch of equations that will quickly become useless outside of the university unless you are becoming a rocket scientist.
Now, I was assigned this paper at the beginning of December, and maybe even before. I just started it December 13th. Think about it. 13 days, while an unlucky day to start your paper on, is pretty damn far away from when it was assigned. But who ACTUALLY writes their paper ASAP? Nobody. Don't give me this shit that 'you don't have time for it', because that is absolutely not the case. You have plenty of time during the day, but all you will ever see is a bunch of kids chatting online, watching TV, socializing, playing with their extremities, and catching STD's. In a few years, 50% of the population of people from the ages of 18-25 will have some type of STD, so we might as well call it quits now, stop screwing, and start getting some work done instead of getting Will all pissed off because you (supposedly) have too much work and a whole lot of cock-rot.
You know, I think its about time for me to write a bit of a guide:
COCO'S GUIDE TO FINAL EXAMS AND "HELL WEEK"
This will be set up as a list of rules. Follow all of them, or follow none of them: you're just wasting my time and yours too if you do it half-ass, like the punk motherfucker you are.
Rule #1: No Instant Communication
If you're studying, turn off the Internet Messaging, and above all, turn off the cell phone. You don't need it on, trust me. If you don't trust me, ask yourself: 'How did people in 1950 survive college without a cell phone?' and then go fuck yourself.
Rule #2: No Electronics, except a calculator
You don't need music to study. If you do, you're lying, and if you aren't lying, you're stupid.
Rule #3: No group studying
It's a waste of time. To get a thought into the other member's head, let alone 3 or 4 member's heads consists of thinking of it, putting it into words, speaking them, clarifying it for their understanding, them processing the words, and finally, them knowing what you are thinking. That takes up time. If you are whining about how much time you are spending studying, you probably are breaking Rule 3, and studying with a bunch of other morons who don't know what they are really in college for either.
Rule #4: Serious studying is never in your room
This especially applies to people with roommates. Unless your roommate is sleeping (and even then) you will not get work done. It's your room, because you live there, not because you, quote, 'study there'. You will be looking at your shit and desiring to use it. This could include cups, microwaves, or electronic coffee machines. The bathroom is a more productive place to study rather than your shitty ass room.
Rule #5: No study breaks.
Study breaks should be known as "periods of time for people with 0% self control". The only reason you take study breaks is because you can't be alone with yourself for an extended period of time. Obviously, its a character flaw, so deal with it, or just prevent yourself from "periods of non-control".
Rule #6: Eat
Make sure you eat. If you don't you can't learn. You need energy, so fuck the diet during studying, because you are doing this all the way. Its your job to be a student, not to diet.
Rule #7: Sleep
A good night's sleep is worth at least a B minus. And that's proven psychologically, in fact.
Rule #8: No pets
They will shit on your homework and ruin it.
Rule #9: No friends
You never had friends, so don't let strangers interrupt you.
Rule #10: Start shit already
STOP FUCKING AROUND. How many people "waste time before starting _____(insert student RESPONSIBILITY here)" do you know? I know too many.
So, there it is. 10 rules. Follow them or be a whiny bitch. I don't care which you do, but I'm just telling you how it is. Don't be like Vanilla Ice.