New Years: Another Stupid Holiday Of Capitalistic Plots
And the Question: What Came First, the Celebration, or the Advertising?
Had a bit of an experience last night, the last night of 2004. Its 11:58, and there's less than 2 minutes until the new year is ushered in. Wow, how fucking exciting!
Suddenly, the news reporter for NBC News 10 in Philadelphia informs the audience that he is 'cutting to commercial'!
The transcript went something like this:
"Okay, so, here we are, less than 3 minutes away from the new year here in Philadelphia and I'm here with the (insert shitty group name here) and we are awaiting with great anticipation the new year... okay, I'm getting word here... okay, we're going to cut to commercial, so don't go away!"
Are you fucking kidding me? Please, PLEASE, tell me that you aren't showing car commercials during the last minutes of the new year?
See, of course, since I'm a bastard, I was the only one who noticed the plot going on here, namely because everyone is too drunk to really understand that they are being duped into a fake holiday, namely, the Gregorian new year.
So, have you had your advertising today?
So, the real question ends up being:
Dear Will,
How can I stop duping myself into becoming a slave to advertising?
Sincerely,
A concerned idiot
Well, kids, I'm here to tell you where the real shit is:
THE MUMMERS.
http://riverfrontmummers.com/museum.html
Now, if you aren't from Philadelphia, or you're just plain dumb, you probably don't know what or who the mummers are. The mummers are an ancient organization of drunk people who, because they are really trying to get back down to their tribal roots, make giganterous floats made of gaudy plastic and shiny stuff.
The music is horrible, the people are all hungover or on PCP, and it plain appeals to the real celebration of what the new year is: stuff that you don't remember. Forget Times Square new York, forget NBC News 10's whole stupid deal with advertisements, the MUMMERS are where it's at. I don't think anyone in the mummers parade really knows what they are doing. In a fit of dancing to 'tribal' and 'electronica' music, they truly personify the simple, white person trying to get back to pre-capitalistic principles, namely outdoing each other in their stupidity and guadiness. Its truly a glorious thing to behold.
This year, the whole mummers part was hosted by Southwest Airlines, the only airline that hasn't tried to crash their jets with me in it yet. And by yet, I mean yet, because, knowing that you are at 50,000 feet in the air in a 200 ton vehicle going 500 miles an hour isnt too heartening when you realize that the damn 200 tons of metal can quickly become 200 tons of metallic coffin as you go plunging into the ground and explode in a nice, big, towering mountain of fiery death.
No, I don't like to fly, not since Delta tried to kill me over Salt Lake. Note to all: don't take Delta, in fact, don't fly at all, because all airline pilots are as drunk and stupid as the mummers.
Anyway, get out of the capitalistic loop of doom and join me in celebrating was new years is all about: being retarded.