Is that a polar bear on your feet, or are you just fucking retarded?
The Problem With Uggs
I'm sure you've seen them: everyone has. They are an obsession among women (and men who like that kind of shit). They are what is now known as 'Uggs', perhaps the most ridiculous utterance in the English language. I've even seen Uggs with fucking pom-poms on them. Fucking pom-poms. Like, poodle tails. I swear, if wearing sabertooth-tiger fur is cool, then wearing pom-pom's on your shoes must make people wet themselves in the street.
Now, maybe you're of the school that says 'everyone can wear what they want', or 'its a free country'. I'm here to tell you that not only am I in charge of this country and what you can wear, but I can prove to you why you're freaking insane for wearing Uggs.
Reason 1: They are made of animals, animals that will take vengeance when the time comes
So, is it back in style again to kill bunnies? Or polar bears? Because that's OBVIOUSLY WHAT THESE ARE MADE OF.
Honestly, I can't believe this shit. You go out with your high powered rifles and shoot polar bears so you can make, of all things, fashionable outdoor wear. Here is a photo of Uggs Harvesters who make the evil shoes:
sons of bitches
I am starting the Polar Bear Restoration Project in order to make sure that polar bears get their required vengeance, starting with our logo:
I think this does the trick
Reason 2: They are Fashionable
Okay, so lets talk about fashion:
Fashion has to do with what's considered good at a particular time. Women especially are invested in fashion; its societal conditioning, after all.
I want you readers to be honest with yourselves: how often does fashion change? When's the last time you saw someone wearing a beret? How about tie dye (lazy hippies aside)? Army helmets? Belts on the head? Orange pants?
That's right, reader, you guessed it: any particular trend that changes every month and a half is a piece of shit science that needs to be thrown out the window. Not that it was a science in the first place.
That's what pisses me off! Fucking fashion shows have new shit all the time! Fashion is like standing in the ocean and telling a tsunami that its being abnormal: of course it is, dickhead. That's why you're about to die.
Reason 3: You look like you have a fucking prehistoric animal on your feet
HONESTLY PEOPLE, UGGS LOOK LIKE YOU'RE A CAVEPERSON.
STUPID, STUPID WOMAN
Don't you realize that you look like a fucking moron? That's STYLE?
That's not style, plebian, that's mediocrity. You look like a fuzzy, cuddly polar bear carcass. Nothing more. There's a line you draw with what you're wearing: if it covers your bitch ass adequately, its clothing. That, up above, is not clothing. That is stupid.
Lemme think of 10 things that are better than you wearing dead animals on your grubby toes:
1. Pizza
2. Polar bears eating people
3-10. Anything
You know how they say that fashion, money, objects are used to hide what's really on the inside?
I'll show you what's on the inside of Uggs. Its really simple, really easy, and really awesome:
That's right, I'm generalizing: all people who wear Uggs have nasty foot fungus.
Does the fuzzy animal carcass on your feet make you feel pretty, Sir or Mrs.? Yeah, I've seen guys wear Uggs too, sadly enough. I thought this was confined to a fashionable woman's thing, but apparently its not.
You know what, thank god for violent polar bears. In their vengeance, they can expose the fashionable for what they are: people with foot fungus. Thank you, Mr. Polar Bear, for making my life a better place.
Reason 4: "Uggs" is a disgusting word
What kind of a word is that anyway? Ugg. Plural, because its shoes: Uggs. Since they look like caveman shoes, is that it? Ugg? That's what the caveman says, right?
Oh, when's the rapture? This is getting to be too much.