Reader Mail Victim #1:
Instead of using real names, I will use "Tim" as this gentleman's real name. To protect the innocent. And stuff:
Tim writes:
Dec 5,
i love cranberry sauce!
I just wanted you to know that i love cranberry sauce with my turkey.
Of course a commie vegetarian like you wouldn't understand that
cranberry sauce is a perfect compliment to a thanksgiving turkey
feast. You probably eat it with some tofu or bean sprouts, hence of
course it would suck. That's all I have to say about that.
P.S. Whole cranberries are way better than the jellied crap.
Analysis:
1. Learn to use a capital "I", you douchmonger.
2. You are, after all Tim, a 'corn-fed' American boy, so for the moment I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and name myself a commie vegetarian, just as you say. Think for a minute about what the turkey sitting in front of your fat ass represents: that's right, a hearty meal that has been roasting in the over for about a million hours at 350 degrees. Now, think of your family roasting in the oven at 350 degrees for 5 hours; I'm a communist after all, and I have to follow my predecessors.
3. Yes, I'd eat it with bean sprouts.
4. Whole cranberries don't exist. Its all jellied anyway, moron.
Listen, Tim. You're probably a great guy, your family loves you, but you're the kind of person who enjoys drawings of Okapis and hangs them in your room:
This is not funny.
Cranberry sauce is a good compliment to nothing. If you like congealed masses of jellyfish that you can stick in your mouth, then by all means go fuck yourself in the ocean. That's where you're damn meat is, you fuckwad.
So I'm begging you, right now, to please back up the claim that cranberry sauce is indeed of some... taste, using okapis and giraffes and capybaras. Because I know that if you eat cranberry sauce, you probably believe in all of the above. And for that, you suck.
Next.