THE RE-MASCULINIZATION OF AMERICA
Bringing home the bacon
for you crybaby pussies
Look, people. I know you're trying to make a living. I know you're trying to have your kids be successful and to generally make a name for yourself among your peers, BUT COME OFF IT. The only way, obviously, to make yourself famous is to blow shit up, and Coco is back to give you advice on how to reclaim your phallus from the dominant societal tendency towards pussiness.
It's come to my attention that there a lot of 20 somethings that are pussy bastards, and don't know what it is to pee on homeless people, shoot innocent civilians, burn down hospitals and how to drink single malt liquor without a straw. No, you are not a dude if you mix alcohol with Gatorade and walk around with your multicolored drink in your pansy ass 20 oz bottle. NO. Men drink beer, or they drink whiskey straight. They don't drink vodka unless they are Russian. You are not a man if you appear like this:
DRINKING PUNCH FROM THE BOWL DOES NOT MAKE YOU A MAN;
BREAKING THE BOWL OVER SOMEONE'S HEAD DOES.
Several men are here today to show you what it is to have a penis, to show you how its fucking done.
FIRSTLY:
LEE VAN CLEEF
Of the fame of The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly comes LEE VAN CLEEF. Lee has been known for several decades as the king of the western villain. He's a badass. He has a sneer that cracks ice and makes babies cry. He's heartless, so heartless that once he spent a week burning down orphanages and special needs schools because his wife mad him a bad omelet. After he was done, he sat down in front of his TV and ate the omelet anyway, even though it had rotted by then.
In fact, LEE VAN CLEEF is among the only humans known to man that have mastered giraffe riding. This, alone, puts him in the hall of fame.
SECOND:
STEVEN SEAGAL
Steven Seagal is a complete badass mofo. It's documented that he may be responsible for the sinking of the Titanic, and was also present when the decision as made NOT to make lifeboats for everyone on the boat. He was also reportedly the captain who drove the boat into the iceberg.
So basically he killed alot of people. Hats off to you, Mr. Seagal.
THIRDLY:
CLINT EASTWOOD
If there was ever more of a badass, then they certainly didn't show their face to Clint, because he'd blow it off with a handgun. He's still making movies to this day, and still smokes the unfiltered, nasty-ass muddy tobacco that made him famous in The Good, the Bad, and The Ugly.
If Clint Eastwood was president, there wouldn't be taxes, there'd be coerced labor camps and tithes.
FOURTHLY:
SYLVESTER STALLONE
How many people did Rambo kill? Jesus Christ bananas, it must have been like 4000 in the first 5 minutes of each movie. Pictured, he's using a bow and arrow to kill people that have missiles, rocket launchers, nuclear weapons and possibly penguin assassins. Rambo has more man in him in his pinky finger than Pamela Lee Anderson has in her...
Okay, that's enough.
FIFTH UP:
CHARLES BRONSON
First, West Coast rapper the Game pays his respects to Bronson:
Now tell me do he got a conscience?
I think not, cuz if he did I wouldn't be involved in this nonsense
Wouldn't be in Harlem, wouldn't be at this conference
I'd rather be pushing rock, like Samantha Ronson
50 whispered in my ear, like we still bonding
We ain't friends, I'm just acting like Charles Bronson
Middle finger in the air, one hand on my Johnson
Charles Bronson is known for his revenge series, "DEATH WISH", where every member of his family is killed one at a time, one movie at a time even, and he goes on rampant killing sprees in order to punish the souls of those who have fucked with him and his family. Charles Bronson is said to have eaten babies because he thought that they had more protein than turkey. He is the epitome of badassness. He chews rocks and shits gunpowder.
In Death Wish 3 or 2 or something, he made a shotgun out of a PVC pipe and proceeded to blow the crap out of LA gangsters like The Game. If there was a fight between the Game and Bronson, well, it wouldn't even be a contest. Plus he can kill people from 10 miles away with his big toe. Charles Bronson is so convincingly badass and terrorizing, that the police department will work for him because his law is God's law, his morals, the only morals that you need to bother knowing.
And his number one moral? Killing should be fun and profitable and in the name of revenge.
FINALLY:
CHUCK NORRIS
CHUCK NORRIS kicks the crap out of people. He doesn't sleep, he waits. Chuck Norris turns ribbed condoms inside out to pleasure himself. Chuck Norris is the antichrist, because he and God got into a big fight over what the sun was made out of. Chuck Norris plays marbles with grenades. He has two speeds: walk and kill. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, just because he likes blood, not because he's charitable, he declines the syringe and asks for a handgun and a bucket. He can divide by zero, and has counted to infinity three times.
Basically, the moral of my story is that Chuck Norris, and the men listed above are not crybaby pussies. They kill for fun, smoke unfiltered cigarettes, drink and drive, cause chaos, discord, and usurp political powers. They have the power of gods on earth, and you don't fuck with Chuck, you heard?
Runners up in the REAL MEN category:
David Carradine
Sean Connery
Bruce Lee
Edward Norton
Anyone who was James Bond
Bruce Campbell
Alvis
I think I'm done here.