Dumb Fucking Animals: Part 2

Pictured Above: Duck Billed Platypus, Some Blob thing that lives in the Marianas Trench about a billion miles under the ocean, and finally, a hummingbird

Hey, folks, its been awhile. Hope you missed me. If you didn’t miss me, bite me.

It’s time to take a step back from your everyday lives to examine what the hell happened to mother nature when you were rubbing one out in the corner of your dorm room. Three animals have infiltrated our planet, animals that are probably aliens, or, at best, just fucking retarded.

FIRSTLY:

THE DUCK BILLED PLATYPUS:

Some facts about our billed friends:

-It is the only member of the mammal family Ornithorhynchidae. 

-The bill contains an electro-receptor system which has approximately 850,000 electrical and tactile receptors.  When the platypus goes underwater or drives for food, it closes its ears, eyes, and nostrils.  Its electro-receptor system detects the electric currents created by the muscle activity of small prey and may even help the platypus detect the electric field created when water flows over prey hidden under rocks, mud, and small debris. 

-Platypuses are capable of making sounds.  These sounds have been compared to a puppy growling.

-http://www.genevaschools.org/austinbg/class/gray/platypus/

I have one word for this

ORLY?

Some brilliant scientist douchebags decided that because they found an alien living in a river somewhere in East Jabib that they’d name an entire mammal family after it.
Listen, we don’t do this for anything else. Giraffes are in the family of… long necked beasties, and dogs are in the canine family, cats in the pussy family. There’s no family for “aardvark looking bastards with bills, claws, and…”

ELECTRONIC RECEPTICLES IN THEIR BEAKS.

So, does a platypus take batteries? Because I’m pretty sure that if you’re shooting radar beams out of your beak because your eyes are closed because you evolved without the eye protection that every other animal has, that you need some kind of power generator or batteries. This is used for hunting down other animals that could potentially be hiding, so it can tear them limb for limb with its massive claws. Sometimes, I ask myself as I lay in bed at night whether God replaces the batteries on platypuses or not. I couldn’t find the answers to my questions by asking priests, so I decided to do some research on my own. I went to Villanova’s tunnel system and managed to find a platypus swimming in the flooded out tunnel. Knowing that they sounded like small puppies, I brought a few puppies with me to lure out the platypuses. All the puppies died in the process, some not so accidentally, because Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld showed up. Anyway, here’s a picture of the expedition, and a picture of my dissection of the animal:

Me, decked out in my Helm of Platypus Death, the Beastly Claws, and the Evidence of Robotics

Look, I’m not a fuckin’ scientist. Nor do I claim to be. But I will claim wholeheartedly to be the most intelligent person YOU’LL ever meet, and this is definitely NOT NORMAL. Anything with a nuclear reactor in its chest has “Governmental Bullshit from the NSA” all over it. And before you give me the run around saying, “OMG, BUT WLL, yOU PHOTOSHOPPED IT”, I didn’t. I used Paint, and I only added that radioactive symbol. And that wasn’t even a huge thing, I mean, its obviously got electric fire beams coming out of it, and those things will fucking kill you.

In conclusion, the only good platypus is a dead one, which is why we beat it to death like a baby seal needing poaching:

Pwned.

I only see and beat to death platypussies about 4 times a week, and I make sure to carry my pipe wrench with me wherever I go just in case I get surprised by one in a dark alley. So if you do see one of these monsters, kill it before it multiplies. You only risk harm to yourself and others if you walk on by thinking that its not your responsibility. If you’re reading this, you’ve taken it upon yourself to beat to a bloody pulp anything with a beak, flippers, or a bad attitude.

Second animal, thing…

Anything in that deep water trench in the South Pacific. The Marianas whateveritscalled!

Okay, so the Marianas Trench is known as the deepest part of the ocean. You need crazy good equipment to get that far under the ocean, because there’s a lot of water over you. A lot. It will crush you like a baby seal.

Now, here’s my problem: shit like this lives there.

YOU DON’T FUCK WITH THAT

I don’t really care if you ARE doing it in the name of science or scientology or even because you’re really bored and needed a job, so you decided that you’d drive submarines for a living. I just don’t care. This shit does not need to be seen. This is the stuff of nightmares, where it chases you around and eats your toes as you try to run but you can’t because it’s a dream and physics sucks.

G /= 9.86 m/s/s This is a rule of dreams. Nothing works right, and neither does mother nature, apparently, because this looks like some of your relatives, dear reader. These things are better left at the bottom of the ocean, not in the aquarium where they can escape and eat small mammals and your kids.

Lastly, Hummingbirds.

Yes, I have a problem with hummingbirds. For my entire life, all I’ve heard is “OMG, LOOK, TEH HUMMINBURD!! THEY BEAT THEIR WINGS A BAZILLION TIMES A SECOND! ISN’T THAT COOL?”

You know what? Its not cool, not cool at all. Why? Because hummingbirds are having more of an identity crisis than Okapis.

The hummingbird cannot decide if it’s a bug or it’s a bird. So some asshole decided to make common ground and split the difference. The result is stupid: you have a bird that has bug wings and flies around your head until it spears you in the eye with its beak at a million beats of its wings a second.

Ever seen a hummingbird feeder? No?

There’s one. And guess what? Its all liquid. All of it. Apparently their beak is used to piece and suck liquid. Like a mosquito. Or a vampire. Except these are worse than vampires, because they come out during the day. I suggest you swat the next bugbird you see, because it’ll probably try to pierce your neck and suck THAT juice.

Man, you’d think someone would point this shit out more often.

-coco