The New Duck Hunt:
The Search for that Stupid Snickering Canine
Everyone remembers Duck Hunt! It was attached to our other favorite game, Super Mario Brothers which made it, undoubtedly the best fucking game package ever.
But, lurking within the simple cartridge was a bigger menace, that stupid fucking dog!
YOU!!!!! I KNOW THAT DOG
Constantly! That snickering laugh! "Mew hew hew hew hew ahahahhaha!" GODAMMIT. Constantly, I'm shooting shooting shooting trying to bring some duck home for the family and the fucking dog sits there and laughs at me!
And what's the deal with the gun? It only has three goddamn bullets. That's some cartridge right there, three damn bullets for a duck that flies at about 150 mph around the screen.
The real problem with that stupid dog is that here you are freaking out because the gun's trigger gets stuck and fires all your bullets, and then he comes out of the grass and laughs in your face.
After a session of Duck Hunt, you really get to the point where you could just find your puppy that has been your pet for 10+ years and strangle it, just to get back at the stupid Duck Hunt dog. I'll make a bet that there were at least 100 puppy homicides a year as a result of Duck Hunt.
Yet, no matter how often you're laughed at, or how often you miss and get 0wned by a stupid dog, you continue to play this game. It's addicting. The pain, the shame and humiliation the dog submits you to is addicting at its core. We love the pain, yes we do.
Weird Things About Duck Hunt:
- When you shoot a duck, and the dog picks it up, its always green
- The gun that you shoot at the TV must have magical properties,
because it makes NO sense that it can fire in through the glass into the TV. I
think NASA should start researching this magical technology,
because
all us 20 somethings know that we are wizards for having manipulated the black
magic of the Duck Hunt Laser Gun
- You can actually control the ducks on the screen. In Game A, you can control the ducks by moving the D Pad of the controller if you have a controller plugged into slot 1.You can use this to either control the ducks so that they move to the center of the screen (for easy killing), or you can use it for fucking multi-player mode. That's right, multi player mode. If you have a friend available, you can play as the gun, and he can control the duck. Or it can be played vice versa. The only problem is, nobody can play as the dog, so that you can't cheat and murder him over and over for all the times he laughed at you.
Has anyone ever noticed, or is it just me, that you always look like a freaking moron when you blow into the cartridge, the system, the cartridge, the system whenever it doesn't work? Remember how often you had to do that? Like, at least every time you turned on the damn system, the game would go crazy, the red light would be on but nothing would come up on the TV. Then you had to take the cartridge out and blow on it until you hyper-ventilated and your parents had to take you to the hospital:
Doctor (as he wheels you to ER): "What happened to him? Why does he have ass-mar?"
Your mother: "He sucked in some dust when he was blowing on his cartridge."
Doctor: "..."
Nurse: "Happens to me all the time, right Doctor?"
I also remember how back in the day, when you were sitting with controller, you'd sometimes pull too hard and the whole damn system would come crashing to the ground. Everyone would run in and go "GOD YOU'RE SO FUCKING STUPID, IT COST LIKE A HUNDRED BUCKS AND YOU BROKE IT", but for some reason, it was never broken. I'm personally of the opinion that the Super Nintendo was the most incredibly resilient system ever made.
But back to that dog! GOD, THE FUCKIN DOG.
Duck Hunting the dog: Doom style
Seriously, I think we all need psychological evaluation after having to deal with that dog, seriously. Or maybe just me.